my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
