I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
