Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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