Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
