I have demons in me.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i drank out of a bidet.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
