I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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