I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
