My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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