Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
wanna go halves on a baby?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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