I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
