I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Randomize
