I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I love you.
Bad choice
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
