Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Life is so much better after having sex.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
