Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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