I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
This is classic penis vs brain.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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