You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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