i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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