Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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