Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
