I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
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Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
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watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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