I wish I could teleport
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
