don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
being pregnant is like rehab
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
