our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
