why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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