Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
