i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
