This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
