Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
