Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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