Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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