The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
