We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
