She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
