apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
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Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
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Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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