I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
