You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
