Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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