Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
