she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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