I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize