super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
