Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
