Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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