I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
