the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
