I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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