dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
