i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
