My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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