:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
