Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
