I faked an abortion last night.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
