my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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