i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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