What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She's the barista slut.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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