you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
