who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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