is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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