:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
