wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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