he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
