apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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